Ten Tips For Winning A Best Picture Oscar

Front Row at the Movies by Shirrel Rhoades

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“The Shape of Water” won the Oscar for Best Picture at last Sunday’s 90th Academy Awards. Don’t you wish you could come up with a film that could snag a golden statuette? Hold on! — maybe it’s not as difficult as you think.

If you want to have an Oscar-winning picture, here are ten top tips.

10. Pick a title that’s only one or two words. Of all Best Picture winners, since 1960, more than half of the Oscars went to movies with short titles.

9. Make it a drama (as opposed to a comedy or sci-fi film). All but four of the winners of the past 25 years have been dramas.

8. Don’t base your movie on real-life people. All but eight Best Picture winners in the last 30 years have been about fictional people.

7. Make it a long movie. All but five Best Picture winners in the last 30 years have been over two hours long.

6. Cast Meryl Streep or Jack Nicholson in the lead. They have won more Oscars than any living actor.

5. If you can’t get Streep or Nicholson, go for Ralph Fiennes, Colin Firth, Shirley MacLaine, Diane Keaton or Morgan Freeman. These A-listers have had roles in three Oscar winners each.

4. Hire Martin Scorsese to direct your movie. He’s had eight nominations for best director, more than Spielberg, Eastwood, or Coppola.

3. Release your movie in the fall. “The Hurt Locker” is the only Best Picture winner of the last 12 years not released in the fall.

2. Make sure your film is rated R. All but one of the last 12 Best Picture winners was released with an R rating.

1. Give Beth Grant a small role. This little-known character actress has appeared in three Best Picture winners (“Rain Man”, “No Country for Old Men,” and “The Artist”). Your backup is Bernard Hill, who’s had supporting roles in three winners too (“Gandhi,” “Titanic,” and “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”).

Oh yes, one more factor. It helps to have a well-told story. But you have to start somewhere.

This year’s winner violates a couple of these — it is a science fiction film with a longer title. And Beth Grant doesn’t make an appearance. But close enough in other respects.

Okay, follow these tips and start filming. Before you know it, you’ll be hearing the words, “The envelope please …”

Email Shirrel: srhoades@aol.com